First off, credit where credit is due: Every girl who's made a career—or a brunch—out of over-sharing traumatic sex stories owes a lifetime of gratitude to Carrie Bradshaw. And I'm no exception to the rule: There were moments in my starry-eyed youth when I'd marathon the entire series over a weekend and dream of following in Carrie's Manolo-clad footsteps. But when producer Michael Patrick King told Entertainment Weekly that there's still "one story left," I almost threw my computer out the 19th story window. Incidentally, it's not my personal computer, so it's good that I held back, but after reading him echo Sarah Jessica Parker's own thoughts on the subject, it took a lot of willpower. "Whether it ever happens is a whole other situation," said King. "But there’s four girls, and those girls are still in my mind. There are other stories to tell and characters that haven’t even been written yet."
Translation: "There's still money to be made by beating this dead horse." Head, meet desk.
Related: How I Learned Carrie Bradshaw Was Full of Sh*t
And then I got to thinking—is there a plotline that would convince me to buy a Sex and the City 3 ticket? It took some soul-searching, but I finally came up with 5 Oscar-worthy trequels. You're welcome, HBO.
1. Sex and the City 3: In Space
Miranda is going on an intergalactic business trip, but not without her three best gal pals! Charlotte uses the opportunity to try an experimental Martian fertility treatment from an alien gynecologist (played by Maggie Gyllenhaal). A hunky young astronaut explores Samantha's black hole (I apologize if you were eating while reading that). Carrie finds the cutest Manolo Blahnik space booties, but Big says they'll have to put a mortgage on their apartment to afford them. She buys them anyway.
(And somehow, it’s still less ridiculous than them wearing Louboutins in Dubai).
2. Sex and the City 3: A Two-Hour Clothing Montage
To be honest, the only reason I didn’t turn off either movie is because I knew there was going to be a whole boatload of beautiful clothes I could never afford. So why not cut out the bulk and have 180 minutes of gratuitous sartorial porn? We don't have to listen to any pun-laden Bradshaw-isms, though I'm pretty sure "I Want Candy" would probably play on an infinite loop. Wash.
3. Sex and the City 3: Back to the Future
Stanford invents a time machine out of a limo, and when the girls take it for a joyride, the butterfly effect takes force. Samantha has a threesome with herself. Miranda fixes the haircut she was sporting in season one. And Carrie travels back to 1985 where she meets herself (played by AnnaSophia Robb) in an alternate parallel universe where she grows up with her father and has a raccoon-eyed sister named Dorrit. She also reunites with her high school boyfriend Sebastian and friends Walt, Maggie, and Mouse, who have definitely been mentioned countless times in Sex and the City. (Yep, I hate-watch The Carrie Diaries.)
4. Sex and the City 3: Carrie Divorces Big
The time traveling plot has a better chance of getting the green light. I get that her whole thing was that she wanted "ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love," and Big certainly provided that. But the dude left her at the altar when she was wearing a bird on her head. No woman would EVER forgive that, not even the incessantly illogical Bradshaw. I still haven’t forgiven my high-school boyfriend for ditching me at junior prom. I turn 23 in April.
Point being that in real life, it would eat at her, and they’d definitely go separate ways once he leaves her for a younger lingerie model (played by Kate Upton).
5. Sex and the City 3: The Golden Years
Charlotte feels conflicted when she receives macaroni art from her grandchild that just doesn’t work with the décor of her Park Avenue apartment. Miranda feels anxious that her job is forcing her to retire. What the hell is she going to do with all that free time and an enormous pension? Carrie finds out The New York Star is going digital, and has her fashion blogger niece (played by Taylor Swift) educate her on the world of digital media; it takes her four hours to learn PowerPoint. Samantha gets a hip replacement and becomes the hottest woman in her chic Soho nursing home.
Okay, so given the energy it took to dream up these (very viable) scenarios, I guess I'm not entirely opposed to a third Sex and the City movie. I think any of these plots maintain the wonderful realism that the series was well known for. If the producers can bring these to theaters—and promise cosmos and Louis Vuitton bags at the door—then I'm sold.
Photos: Courtesy of Everett Collection
Related: In Defense of Sex and the City